Case Zero

I used to think that only idiots did stupid things and this is why we have so many troubles in the world. I mean let’s face it there are a lot of idiots out there. Go ahead, chuckle as you look around at your co-workers and neighbors. You know I am right. However, I have recently come to understand there is another classification for people who do idiotic things. They are only desperate and not actually idiots, but their desperation clouds their normally good judgment; therefore, opening themselves up to idiotic predicaments. What makes someone desperate you ask?

One situation where one can become desperate is when one is in pain. I personally would do just about anything to get out of pain. I’ve been known to take 100 year old pain pills that have been at the bottom of a purse for most of those years just because I was in pain! We all have done dumb things and somehow lived to learn from it. The real idiots are the Darwin Award winners.

Well, my latest desperation-led-idiotic-move started with cooking dinner. I sliced my finger open with the plastic bag the chicken came in. I will tell everyone right now that paper cuts are nothing compared to plastic cuts. I thought maybe my finger was bitten off by zombie chicken! I washed my finger and searched for a band aid; the whole time my finger was stinging and burning. I finally found one at the bottom of the medicine cabinet. The wrapper was not only opened but nearly non-existent. However, remember I am desperate… My finger was just bitten by zombie chicken or rabid plastic! So I keep that band-aid as a backup instead of trashing it right away. I search a few more places and have no luck with a different, cleaner band-aid.

I ignore the warning that says I should throw out an open band-aid and finish un-wrapping it. Half of the warning is ripped off so it doesn’t really apply does it? I blow off the dust and it looks fairly clean. I wrap my cut in it. I get instant relief because now my cut is held shut and the air is no longer licking at it like an angry dog. I try not to think about the infection that may be festering underneath – Tiny little microbes waiting for a nice, warm, bleeding finger to accost. I push those thoughts out of my head because I am happy the pain is eased. After all, my goal was to relieve the furious pain and I did. Never mind that I may be fighting off a new disease as I type this. That I may become case zero in the Evil Plastic Chicken Dirty Band-aid Flu epidemic or PC-DBF666 as the scientists would call it.

It’s Good to be Back

I have all but given up on finding a job since I keep getting passed up by more qualified people. I know I can do a great job; I just must suck at convincing others that I can. So while still applying for jobs halfheartedly, I decided to put more effort into what I love and need to get done; which is book 2. I have been working on mapping out all 7 books and finally figured out where I want to be at the end of the series. I even figured out what the ultimate weapon will be that the Prince must protect. I’ve figured out the role each character will play and why. I’ve kept my science guy up late into the wee hours of the morning planning and discussing new technologies and worm holes. I have mapped a couple galaxies, and found all seven of my planets.

Needless to say I am psyched now to finish hacking out book 2. It is all coming together nicely. I’ve found my way back. Screw the job hunting, it can wait! After all, I have an entire universe that is beaconing to me. I’m back in Jason’s world and I feel at home and at peace. I want to stay here forever. I’ve missed my friends here and they have missed me.

The quiet soothing rhythm of writing was shattered by a phone call. I almost didn’t answer. My hand paused as Dragula played out. Sometimes I get caught up in my ringtone. Caught up in the song, I forget the phone is ringing until it is too late and I miss the call. This time I picked it up at the last minute and began a journey that I have yet to see how difficult the climb shall be.

The temp agency I have been working with has found me a job. (Oh no). I just need to pass a background check and I can start the next day. (Maybe I can just say no, but all those student loans…) The war inside my head between logic and creativity battles on. My mouth makes the decision as I hear the words “great I can do that” slip from my lips. (How will I be able to write now?) I need the money and there really is no choice but take the job; however, my heart feels sudden panic as my fantasy world slips into a shadow.

Momentarily ripped from the alien world, I work on figuring out how to do it all. My plan starts to form: I can work during the day; come home do all the home stuff. Then instead of sleeping, I can write at night. I can get by on less sleep, can’t I? I could also spend my weekends with my alien friends mostly undisturbed. This could work out after all. While the plan is forming in my head, I look to my alien world; I can see Jason and Tiffany standing in the shadows agreeing that I can do all this. In fact, they are saying I need to do all this. They want their story told and now that I have returned they won’t let me go so easily. Jason and Tiffany have a lot more to say and do before they let me go.

The door of my imagination stands ajar; I can glimpse at the things unfolding in the world I so desperately want to stay in. I’m excited to have found my way back, excited to be back on the journey of writing. A little thing like a job will not derail my creativity. I can do this… I will do this…

~Nikki

Vampires and Reality

I am all for authors being creative. After all I make crap up all the time in my writings. The difference (and my complaint) is when people get creative and try to call it something it is not. While listening to a conversation about Twilight someone applauded Stephenie Meyer for her creativity in creating her so called vampires. They don’t understand why so many people are upset with her ‘vampires.’ They say she put her own spin on things and made a new story out of an old topic. No. That’s not what she did. She instead created a new creature and tried to pass it off as something it was not. She was writing a child’s love story and probably decided to add these creatures (which may have worked if she continued to be creative and introduced these creatures for what they were something new and different). She was even being creative when she thought about these creatures that sucked blood and got all sparkly in the sunlight; however, she failed (miserably I might add) when she tried to pass these things off as vampires. They clearly are NOT vampires. They more closely resemble fairies which in stories past have been known to have an evil side and bite people. Vampires on the other hand have always been creatures of the night and while there are some variances to their characteristics they remained nocturnal creatures who exchanged living a normal life for eternal life lived in the darkness. They never came out in the sun and sparkled. EVER! Vampires will forever remain an evil creature of the night. There is no such thing as a kinder gentler sparkly vampire. Even if your vampire is nice and likable he still will NOT sparkle in the sun. If he does he is NOT a vampire. My advice for writers is to continue to be creative and come up with new twists to a story. After all that is what writing is about. But if you create a new creature, give that creature a new name. Don’t try to pass it off for something that it is not! That’s like coming across a mountain lion and calling it a bear! If you don’t properly name your creature the readers will balk, and you will just look stupid for not knowing the difference between a mountain lion and a bear, or in the case of Stephanie Meyers, a vampire and a fairy.

Open Mouth Insert Foot Syndrome

Doesn’t it just irk you that when you talk to people you like and don’t know you very well that you say all the wrong things and end up looking like an idiot? Why do we care so much about what others think anyways? What we say isn’t going to change their minds for the better if they already think we are idiots. There is a lot to be said for first impressions. Despite how much we try to say otherwise it is hard to change what people think when they meet you for the first time. Think about it if you like someone you are more likely to forgive their blundering words and actions, aren’t you? If you initially dislike them you just use their blunders as an excuse to dislike them more.

Back to my original thoughts on saying the wrong things, this should not happen to authors. We are after all wordsmiths and expected to have speaking under control right? But alas we are only human and once you start down the path of trying to be impressive your tongue will slip out and make you fall hard and fast no matter who you are. Plus with texting and emails our fingers can get in on the act of making us look like idiots too. Plus have you noticed the more you try to fix what you said the worse it gets? It’s like your brain just starts shooting out whatever it can grab onto and your tongue and fingers are willing venues to send more blunders on their way to ruin your image.

I think the best way to combat this is to learn to just shut up. If you find you send something stupid just let it go. Close your mouth, shut off your phone or computer and get away fast before your brain can betray you and send more idiotic fuel to your mouth and fingers and embarrass you further. No one seems to do this however. I think the reason is a little voice in our head tries to convince us that we weren’t really that stupid and we can recover. We should listen that our original blunder probably wasn’t that bad and if we’d just shut up then we’d leave the other person wondering if they heard what we said right or understood what we wrote. We could just blissfully think all was well and go peacefully on with life but no, instead we continue to try to fix small blunders with bigger holes in which to bury our good image.

I think authors have more ammo stored in their heads for just such occasions when we screw up and say the wrong thing. Yes indeed, our brains start down the path of fixing and now have more words and stories to spew forth and we dig bigger holes than the regular non writer people. See, writers can even write entire blogs trying to make up for idiotic things we’ve said in hopes to convince those who were unfortunate enough to hear our mistaken words to forgive us. Perhaps if we make them laugh they will forget about things spoken in haste earlier.

Shutting up now and walking away while I’m ahead on this.

Pain makes you do crazy things!

Hiccups may make other people try just about anything you suggest to stop them, but burns make you try just about anything!

Today I burned my thumb on my curling iron. It was hurting like mad so I decided to Google some home remedies for burns. I figured I’d share some of the results with you.

First, I tried ice. This works but is a pain in the butt to keep on the burn and still function. There must be something that helps quicker!

Searching the internet I found an alcohol remedy. Well I had rubbing alcohol in the bathroom so I figured why not try it. Needless to say it didn’t work. So unless they meant for you to drink alcohol until your burn is numb this doesn’t work.

Next I found a toothpaste remedy. Just smear on the toothpaste and all the pain instantly goes away… Yeah sounded too good to be true. It was. Made my thumb smell pretty but didn’t ease the pain.

Where is that stupid Solarcaine I bought a million years ago when I had sunburn? It’s here somewhere. I emptied the cupboard completely, Oh Yay! I found the Solarcaine! I sprayed my thumb. It helped some but not enough. Maybe it just needs more, I reasoned. So I sprayed tons on this time. It was dripping all over the floor. Nope still hurts, even when I spray it on every 2 seconds.

I went back to the ice while digging through the medicine cabinet. By now I am desperate and will try anything. No burn cream. Back to the internet, there must be something there that actually works. Found a site that suggested aluminum foil. O…K… doesn’t sound so smart but I am desperate right, so I wrapped my thumb in aluminum foil. It was back off in about 5 seconds because it made the burn worse! I don’t recommend trying that one no matter how desperate you become!

Back to the medicine cabinet, Oooh, here’s a bottle of vicodin. I pop one of these and after about 30 minutes, my burn feels so much better! I kept the ice on while I was waiting for the vicodin to start working. So what have I learned? Screw the home remedies and go for the serious medications that actually work!

Thieves!

We are currently in the process of building a fence. We had piled the wood in the back yard and covered it with a tarp. Yesterday afternoon when working on the fence we noticed we no longer had 12 posts. Six went missing, along with some pickets and 2×4’s. Essentially someone walked off with a chunk of our fence materials the night before. What kind of moron steals wood?

While coming home Tuesday night after going to Lowe’s for more fence supplies, a strange car was parked in front of the vacant lot just down from our house. Thinking that was odd because no one parks there, it was worth keeping an eye on. Especially after wood was stolen.

The guy was still there at 11pm. Ray’s brilliant idea was to send me to get the mail and get the guy’s license plate number. The mail boxes are close to where this guy was parked. Now, notice he didn’t offer to go. So I decide to do just that. It was obvious Ray wasn’t going to go. So I get out to the end of the driveway and decide no way am I going to see his plate number in the dark. I’d have to get much closer. So I decide if I walk the dog past him, I’ll get a good look and still look normal. However, I was not getting that close without more than a dog; although Penny is quite intimidating when her people are threatened. I grabbed a hand gun and tucked it into the back of my pants, thinking I’m so brilliant for thinking of that! Ray was laughing thinking I’d end up shooting myself in the butt, yet notice he STILL didn’t offer to go. So I take the dog and head out toward the stranger. Carrying a gun in your pants looks so easy on TV, but trust me in real life it’s not! That darn thing kept trying to slide down my pant leg. I guess I need tighter jeans next time.

With dog leash in hand and gun in waistband I get closer and closer to the car. The guy is watching me I can see him turning his head and looking at me. I take note of his plate number and keep walking. Once I get to the corner and turn out of his sight I jot the plate number down on my hand. I wait a few minutes then I turn around and head home. I try to look like I am not paying attention to him as I get closer to his car again. I get back home and tell Ray I was successful and flash my hand at him. Then I realize which pen I grabbed, it’s my book signing pen. My book signing pen is permanent, non-smearing ink. Oh crap! I have Author Fest this weekend it better come off or I’ll have to explain why I have a plate number written on my hand. Ray’s reaction was “whatever,” he’s watching TV now. But, I have another brilliant plan however first I must get the ink off my hand before it never comes off. Either the pen company lied or it’s not permanent on skin because it came off, well, mostly anyways. Now back to my master plan!

I decide to shut the lights off as usual and act like I am going to bed. I decide I am going to wait in the dark outside the house in case the fence thieves come back! I tell Ray my plan and he rolls his eyes and says they won’t come back. He won’t come out with me but Eric will. Eric and I get dressed in dark clothing and camouflage. I give Eric an unloaded gun and tell him that is just for intimidation. I have the loaded gun and we sneak out the back door. We lay down in the grass where we can see the wood pile.

The neighbor’s dogs start barking. We turn quietly to see if we can see anything. Nothing comes into our yard. More waiting. Then we hear something walking on the rocks and a fox darts through our yard! A little while longer, a cat wonders through the yard. It’s getting cold now. So we get up and move around a bit but stay in the shadows. Ray comes out and asks how long we are going to stay out and we say all night! He says he has the windows open so scream if we need him. Ray goes back in and we huddle down in the shadows again, waiting. Then we hear rustling and clanking. Upon further investigation it’s just the neighbor lady doing her dishes at 1am. The woman is insane, who washes dishes at 1am? By 1:30 she is gone to bed and her house is dark. So we wait some more. Then we hear someone or something messing with the garbage cans. As we listen we determine it is not our cans but next door or across the street. We peek around the house but can’t see anything and we don’t want to compromise our position.

Around 2am my cell phone is dying, it’s cold, and I am falling asleep. I call it a night and we go inside. Eric thought it was awesome and now he thinks I am so cool for taking him on a stake out even though we didn’t catch anyone. I am still upset the guy didn’t come back so I could shoot him! In summary, Eric is happy, Ray thinks I am insane, and I have not caught my bad guy yet. I dare him to come back I’d like to show him my gun!

My poor eye was accosted in the ladies room!

Friday night started out as a typical night out. Went to Culvers for dinner and used points to get free movie passes. So far uneventful, all was well. Drove to the theatre and selected a movie to watch. The movie we decided on was “Easy A” it was already seating so we skipped the snack counter so we could find seats. Not too many people were there so we found seats easily. People trickled in and it was getting closer to the start time. I decided I better use the restroom before the movie started because it was supposed to be funny and I might pay for drinking that large iced tea at dinner. So off I go to the restrooms and that’s where the trouble started.

When I went to flush the toilet I leaned over and pushed the lever down. The toilet erupted into an angry fountain. The water swished and roared and churned spraying up a fine mist at first. I jumped back and reached for the lock on the door. Who knew what was about to come out of that massively turbulent water! I was not waiting to find out if I didn’t have to. Before I could turn around and slip out the door the water no longer a fine mist, splashed up and landed smack dab in my eye! Yes, in my eye! EEEWWW!!!!

I was instantly horrified. Who knew the beast to first attack was a drop of water! I rushed to the sink trying not to gag. I flipped on the water and tried to drop some water into my eye to flush it out without messing up my makeup too badly. It was date night after all, I didn’t want to return looking like I stuck my whole head in the toilet or smear my makeup so badly I looked ready to play football. So gingerly I dribbled a few drops in my eye. I did not feel clean, no I still felt violated. I wanted to take a very hot shower, or better yet I wanted some alcohol to flush my eye with. Too bad movie theaters don’t sell alcohol, especially when they have toilets that flush with hurricane forces.

Satisfied that I did all I could do, I returned to my seat. Ray asked me what was wrong and I told him the whole horrid tale of how my eye was accosted in the ladies room. Ray tried not to laugh. He said I was the first woman to pee in my own eye. I can tell you that is not the accomplishment I was looking to be first to achieve. I would have much preferred first female president or first woman to make a trillion sales on her first book, but no such luck. I thanked Ray for reminding me that I just peed in that water that splashed in my eye, along with a thousand other people before me.

After a few minutes of trying to push that whole ordeal out of my head, my brain started to think how my eye is connected to other parts. So my brain was being brilliantly smart and thinking that excess water in one’s eye will travel to one’s nasal passages where it can drain down the back of one’s throat. So now not only was I grossed out that my eye was violated but now my nose and worse yet was my throat! Now I really was wishing for some alcohol to clean out my eye with!

Since no cleaning fluids could be procured from the movie theater I used the next best thing. I bought popcorn with extra, extra, extra butter. Now surely no living organism could survive being coated in movie theater popcorn. No, you can stop laughing, I did not stick any in my eye. I figured the germs were already moving down my throat so I ate a bunch of this slippery wet popcorn. Since I have not gotten physically sick yet, I guess the movie theater butter worked in either killing the germs outright or by coating them so they just slipped on through my digestive tract without being able to latch onto anything. If only my eye was so lucky!

Perhaps I should have stuck the butter in my eye after all, because now my eye is hurting and feels odd when I blink. I suppose if it gets worse or up and falls out, I will wish I had left the movie theater and gone straight to the emergency room. They say hindsight is 20/20 and I suppose if indeed my eyeball falls out I will get a very good look behind me!

Nasty Jobs

The other day I was thinking about what could be one of the worst jobs around. I am thinking it must be dentists and dental hygienists. I mean these people work inside other people’s mouths all day! That is gross! Do they know what people stick in their mouths? Foods alone can be nasty things. Some people eat bugs, rotten eggs with baby birds still inside, and fermented cabbage. Just picture this:

Dentist: Ummm Mr. Jones, I found out why your tooth aches. You have a beak stuck in between molars 14 and 15.
Mr. Jones: Oh I must not have flossed well enough after eating that balut.

Foods aren’t the only weird things people stick in their mouths. Pregnant women are warned to tell their doctors if they feel the urge to eat dirt or clay. This warning wouldn’t exist if it didn’t happen.

Dentist: Lucy, your mouth smells like a rotten garden.
Lucy: Oh I had some dirt and clay for lunch today.

I am sure there are many other nasty things dentists and dental hygienists have come across. It boggles my mind that anyone would actually choose to become a dentist. Perhaps these are societies outcasts since it must take a sick and twisted person to become a dentist in the first place after all nice normal people don’t go sticking needles in other people’s mouths. Maybe these people just like to torture people and found a legal way to do so. Plus they get paid! Perhaps they should be applauded for being freaks that found a way to function normally in society.

(I hope my dentist isn’t reading this! LOL)

My Ride Along Experience

My ride along with the police was quite the experience. I was paired with a very nice deputy who had a lot of experience and common sense.

The first call we went out on was to pick up a bag of medical supplies from a construction worker who found it on his job site. This was cool since I got to see the evidence room and how things were tracked and marked. This particular item was marked for destruction.

The next call was for a loose dog, but we never made it to that call the Humane Society came and picked it up. Why do people bother the police for silly things like loose dogs? Just catch it yourself if you’re so worried about it.

The deputy drove me all around the “hood” and showed me drug houses, homes he dragged dead bodies out of, the home where the woman who used to live there believed she was abducted by aliens and would call the police daily because she could foresee crimes in other states before they happened because of the alien implant in her head….

Next call was for a runaway from a boys home. The 13 year old boy was walking down the road and refusing to return to the home. He was a big kid for 13, looked more like 16. He tried to act so tough but he had tears in his eyes. Poor kid.

We made a traffic stop for an expired registration tag. Lady said she just came back from California where she was taking care of her sick father and hadn’t had a chance to renew it. The deputy didn’t give her a ticket. Lesson learned is if you get pulled over think up a good excuse and you probably won’t get a ticket! LOL

Next call was from some stupid woman who just was released from the hospital because her boyfriend or husband beat her up and he wanted to meet her in the park and she wasn’t sure if she should go or not. Hello?? He just beat the crap out of you and your actually thinking of meeting him??? The police said they wouldn’t babysit the meeting but if she did go that was up to her. How stupid can people be? Not sure if she did go but another call was placed for a disturbance in the same area of said park, but we didn’t go there so not sure if it was the same lady or not. We got dispatched to find the runaway kid and another kid again. I told the deputy if that was me I’d be calling him to come pick up the body of the guy because I would have killed him the first time he tried to beat me up. LOL

On our way back to the boys home to take the report for the runaways there was a motorcycle accident on Highway 24 that happened right in front of us. The guy was traveling eastbound and lost control and hit a guardrail which launched him off his bike and into the road on the westbound side. His leg was a mess and he was unconscious at first. I stayed by the guys side while the deputy called for help and directed traffic so no one else got hurt. The guy came too and started moaning. Then some nurses in the traffic came to help while we waited for the paramedics. I was praying for the guy the moment I saw him. Poor guy was really messed up. Paramedics came and called for flight for life. They worked fast to prep him for transport and got an IV started and gave him pain meds. I helped the paramedics by ripping tape and handing them stuff out of their bags. A few minutes after flight for life showed up the guy died. The paramedics believed he bled to death from a severed femoral artery. It was so sad because the guy was awake and asking for people. He seemed like such a fighter and I thought he was going to make it. I looked at his facebook account and realized the people he was asking for were his kids. He was more worried about his kids than himself. So sad.

After that we still had to go to the boys home and take that report. The woman in charge was so upset she was crying because she had heard about the accident and was terrified that it was those kids because they were last seen walking on that road. I felt so bad for her but we reassured her it was not those kids. It was good to see that she really cares about the boys in her care. If only the boys would realize she is trying to help them and listen to her rather than run away or play the system. While we were still there, a state trooper found the boys and brought them back. The boys had seen the accident and decided they wanted to go back. I hope they turn out ok and listen to those at the home trying to help them become productive individuals rather than end up as gang members and criminals as they are on that path already. It was really hard to see those kids and know that they can do better and most probably don’t realize how much better off they would be if they just tried to better themselves and their situation.

By the time we finished at the boys home, it was nearing the end of the shift. We grabbed some Mc D’s and went to the police station so the deputy could fill out his reports for the night. By the end of the night I was physically and emotionally drained. The deputy said it was a typical night. I commend him for having to deal with that on a daily basis!

Cats

Cats are funny creature as it is, however I think my cats are the exception. I have 4 cats total, but shhh don’t tell my HOA or they would have a fit since they limit the pets to 3. I also have a dog. Yes I am way over the pet limit, but I am a sucker for animals in need. I just figure I can say I only have one cat since two hide whenever people are around and the other two are litter mates and look identical except for one has a black spot on his nose. HOA people are not that smart, they will take my word that they are seeing the same cat. Yes, Mr. HOA Man, it’s a fast cat and can seem like it is in several windows at once. I know it may seem to change color, but it is just the light playing tricks on your overworked eyes Mr. HOA Man. That seems like a believable story to tell if I ever need it. I believe this will work since they believed my neighbors down the road who had 6 dogs in the back yard when they said they only had 3.
My first cat, Cookie, was a gift because my kids wanted a pet and figured giving me a kitten for Mother’s day was a good way to get a cat. Well that started a trend because we ended up getting the forth kitten, Cuddles, for one of the kid’s birthday gifts.
I got the two cats (time between the gift cats) because my vet was giving away kittens and he was down to two. I told him I would take one since I only had one at the time, but he said they had to go together because they were attached to each other and he would feel bad if they were separated. Later I was thinking that was so unlike him (he normally treats animals as property) I think he just wanted to get rid of those cats and made that crap up to get me to take both. So that’s how I got Tiger and Rex.
My cats are more human than some people I know. Tiger and Rex can open doors and let themselves in and out of where ever they wish to go. One morning I woke up to the front door wide open and the only prints in the snow were cat prints going out circling the car and then coming back in. Now I have to keep the door locked all the time to keep them from letting strangers in.
Cookie likes to tap you in the face while you’re sleeping if she needs something. Let me tell you a cold cat paw on your cheek feels like a human finger when you are asleep. I can’t tell you how many times she has scared me to near death by waking me up like that.
Cuddles is the fattest cat I have ever seen. For those of you who seen the new Shrek and seen the fat version of Puss in Boots and how he couldn’t lick himself; well that is Cuddles. She doesn’t like herself and Rex does it for her. Rex is weird anyways and I think he is confused as to who he is. When we first got Cuddles she was a small kitten and Rex acted like a mom to her and let her nurse on him. He still has this oversized nipple from when he let Cuddles nurse on him. So I guess it’s not so unusual for him to lick her clean because she is too fat to lick herself.